Peter Fritter's Occasional Splendid Compendium


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Peter Fritter's Occasional Splendid Compendium

AFC Bournemouth to introduce loyalty cards for fans.
This season has seen lengthy delays outside the ground as the Match Day Experience (MDE©) has been extended to include a 2 stage scan and search experience. This is unique amongst premier league clubs. The slogan being used is 'never mind the delays, it's the terrorist that pays.’

An AFC Bournemouth spokesperson said 'fans have been brilliant in the way they have allowed themselves to be scanned and searched. They have made a major contribution to fan safety. We have had no major terrorist incidents at the ground since we introduced the searches.’ The club then held a press conference to introduce the new ‘scan n search’ loyalty card. 'We are leading the way in search solutions’ said Mr Curtains 'after 9 searches the 10th game will be a search free one’ he added. There is a merchandise tie-in and fans can pay £20 for a free badge and T Shirt. 'terrorist free zone’, ‘Sweet Caroline, I've been searched’ and 'frisk me’ are three of the slogans dreamed up by our splendid Media team. There is not thought to be any truth to the malicious rumours about a t-shirt being prepared that says ‘Even Annie Bassett didn't go this far.’ There is an away strip available which has the proud slogan 'No need to search me, I'm Vitality safe’.

However, fans are increasingly concerned that their safety and well being is in jeopardy at other grounds, Fulham being only the most recent example. 'I couldn't believe it’ said Mr Ben Kailey 'we arrived at the ground and they seemed to think that 4000 fans could go through a handful of turnstiles in half an hour’. He was then shocked to find that hardly anyone was searched and everyone got in without delay.

AFC Bournemouth have expressed concern that so many people can be admitted so quickly and with such little fuss. A special board meeting was called and there are thinly veiled accusations of 'special magic’ being made. An unnamed spokesperson said 'we have made strong representations to Fulham FC. I was shocked to see fans of both clubs going through the same entrances and using the same toilet and refreshment activities. Have these people no regard for safety?’

There was no comment from the Cottagers.

Update on Mr Kailey.
It seems the experience at Fulham had a deeper impact than at first thought. Missing completely from the Norwich game there were then rumours that the incident had caused a delayed reaction and he was absent from the game against Man Ure due to internal issues. A different kind of MDE© for Ben.

Wonderland Blunderland.
AFC Bournemouth are in negotiations to host this year's Winter Wonderland Experience. A spokesperson, Derek the Reindeer, said 'We have been very impressed at the dedicated and diligent way that the club have caused dismay and frustration at what should be a celebratory and vibrant occasion. We believe they can be trusted to bring their skills and expertise to our annual event.

Theresa May is watching the situation closely.

Pie crisis.
As well as pea fritters I am partial to the odd pie. There are occasions when I need a little sustenance when I am enjoying my time in the search and frisk queue. There is a convenient serving hatch adjacent to the queue and I occasionally avail myself of said pie.

I asked for a pie saturday and they said they had none. This is often the case. I said that they usually just walk through the door way and retrieve a pie from there. We're not allowed quoth they. For why? Because if we take their pies they might sell out. I pointed out that I was the person buying the pie whether hither or thither.

In I went. No pies. Sold out. (This happened before, at the Norwich game. No pies ten minutes before kick off. No pies half an hour into the game. Pies at half time. I digress.)

I walked to the other eaterie and they had pies. Game ends. Walking out of the ground. Loads of pies. Unsold.

I should also note that the sign in the toilets warns of very hot warm water. Can you have hot warm water? Maybe it's a special edition to celebrate the years without any water at all.


Well done Callum. Brilliant. I suppose I'll have to watch an England game now.

Mind the Gap.


Star Player
Thank you. It gladdens my old heart that there is still sanity amongst the supporters despite all that AFCB off field management have put us through.
Ahh, terrace ( all seater ) humuor at it's best...well done fritter, the hours I spent listening to drunken monologues about things like whether Dover is north of Bournemouth, and whether singing " hit the north" was appropriate, or whether Phil B was really a northerner or if he just turned into one after drinking Ringwood Best........keep me sane in the dark days.....
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I haven't read a Fritter Compendium before....until I got halfway through it I thought it was serious...all that stuff about security, search solutions etc.
Being an exile type exile( only attended 3 early PL games at DC ) i've only read about the strange things that have happened at the ground regarding entrance, clappers, Caroline etc.
Ben Kailey !....Mr Curtains !... hilarious... even if it was serious it would be funny! More please!

Err. ... Someone's gonna tell me it is serious are they?
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