Tuesday titter.
- Thread starter AlGard
- Start date
tucktoncherry
Star Player
tucktoncherry
Star Player
EasternRed
First Team
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other'.
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer'?
'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey '!
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along'.
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started swimming lengths. After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath. He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer'?
'No', she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey '!
tucktoncherry
Star Player
wingsnwheels
Star Player
And they say the camera never lies!
tucktoncherry
Star Player
EasternRed
First Team
I phoned Heart FM today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to a Tottenham game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.
tucktoncherry
Star Player
danstarr
First Team
Plus tax? Or did you glue it on?
EasternRed
First Team
An elderly Italian man
went to church for confession.
Man : Father during World War 2, a very beautiful woman came to hide in my home ....
Priest : a good deed my son.
Man : she started repaying me with daily sex.
Priest : If you are truly sorry then you are forgiven....
Man : Do you think I should tell her the War is over ..?!!
went to church for confession.
Man : Father during World War 2, a very beautiful woman came to hide in my home ....
Priest : a good deed my son.
Man : she started repaying me with daily sex.
Priest : If you are truly sorry then you are forgiven....
Man : Do you think I should tell her the War is over ..?!!
stanthevan
UTC Legend
Two mafia hitmen are walking deep into the forest at the dead of night.
One says "I gotta admit, I'm scared out here.
The other one says "you're scared, I have to walk back alone.
One says "I gotta admit, I'm scared out here.
The other one says "you're scared, I have to walk back alone.
AlGard
UTC Legend
A Kiwi man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Kiwi politely ignored the Australian, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The Aussie snapped his gum and said, 'You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?'
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Of course.'
The Aussie blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In Aussie, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Kiwi's
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted, "Do you eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Kiwi replied, 'Yes ,of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, 'We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to New Zealand.
The Kiwi then asked, 'Do you have sex in Australia?'
The Aussie smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Kiwi leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile.
'We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
The Aussie snapped his gum and said, 'You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?'
The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'Of course.'
The Aussie blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In Aussie, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them transform them into croissants and sell them to Kiwi's
The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.
The Aussie persisted, "Do you eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Kiwi replied, 'Yes ,of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, 'We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, and then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to New Zealand.
The Kiwi then asked, 'Do you have sex in Australia?'
The Aussie smiled and said 'Why of course we do.'
The Kiwi leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Kiwi's turn to smile.
'We don't. In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"
EasternRed
First Team
A number of strangers fell into conversation around the dinner table when one of them noticed that the guest opposite had no fingers. He apologised for intruding but politely explained that, as a renowned plastic surgeon, he was very interested to hear how the guest had lost his fingers.
The man explained that he used to own a book-binding factory and while working alone one day, he had somehow managed to guillotine all his fingers on both hands, but because the paper guillotine was so sharp and so quick, he hardly felt anything and was able to walk unaided to the local hospital where they treated him immediately.
The surgeon looked a little downcast and eventually explained how, with modern plastic surgery techniques and especially with such a clean cut, if he had taken the severed fingers to hospital with him they could have been successfully reattached without any loss of function or feeling in them.
The guy replied "Oh I knew that - it's just that I couldn't pick them up !"
The man explained that he used to own a book-binding factory and while working alone one day, he had somehow managed to guillotine all his fingers on both hands, but because the paper guillotine was so sharp and so quick, he hardly felt anything and was able to walk unaided to the local hospital where they treated him immediately.
The surgeon looked a little downcast and eventually explained how, with modern plastic surgery techniques and especially with such a clean cut, if he had taken the severed fingers to hospital with him they could have been successfully reattached without any loss of function or feeling in them.
The guy replied "Oh I knew that - it's just that I couldn't pick them up !"
tucktoncherry
Star Player
