Friday Funny
- Thread starter dj_silver
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Lord Snooty
Fans' Favourite
My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...
kens pound
New Signing
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?.
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half'.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?.
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
tucktoncherry
Star Player
tucktoncherry
Star Player
Brian Hutchings
Star Player
Young Paddy walks onto a building site.
" Oim lookin fer a job"
Gaffer: " Can ye brew good tea? "
Young Paddy : "Oi can brew tea like ye've never tasted ! "
Gaffer : Can ye droive a Dumper Truck ?
Young Paddy : Be Jasus ! ...' Ow bigs yer fookin Kettle ?
( might have done that one before - its my favourite ! )
" Oim lookin fer a job"
Gaffer: " Can ye brew good tea? "
Young Paddy : "Oi can brew tea like ye've never tasted ! "
Gaffer : Can ye droive a Dumper Truck ?
Young Paddy : Be Jasus ! ...' Ow bigs yer fookin Kettle ?
( might have done that one before - its my favourite ! )
Last edited:
stanthevan
UTC Legend
A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London.
“ I vish to buy sex viz you”
OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour.
“Thats goot but I must varn you I am a little kinky”
“ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds.
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller.
“ I vant zat you tie zese spring sto each of your hans and nees.”
The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested.
“ Now you vill get down on your hans and nees”
This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs.
“You vill please blow zis kwacker as I make love to you”
She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying).
However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position?
“Zat” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !
“ I vish to buy sex viz you”
OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour.
“Thats goot but I must varn you I am a little kinky”
“ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds.
Helmut agrees.
So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller.
“ I vant zat you tie zese spring sto each of your hans and nees.”
The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested.
“ Now you vill get down on your hans and nees”
This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs.
“You vill please blow zis kwacker as I make love to you”
She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying).
However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position?
“Zat” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !
EasternRed
First Team
A Human Resources manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”
“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher orders. We’re instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you’d like to go for all eternity.”
“Actually, I think I’d prefer heaven”, said the woman. “Sorry, we have rules…” at which St. Peter put the HR manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends, past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times.
They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil (who was actually rather nice) and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing.
Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing the harp and singing; which was almost as enjoyable as her day in Hell. At the day’s end St. Peter returned. “So,” he said, “You’ve spent a day in hell and you’ve spent a day in heaven”. “You must choose between the two.”
The woman thought for a second and replied: “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose Hell.”
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
“I don’t understand,” stuttered the HR manager, “The other day I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there is, is just dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil simply looked at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff.”
