Monday Joke

[Hillviewred]

My mate Dave,who is dyslexic,is a massive fan of eighties band ABC.In fact he has all of DEF leppards albums.

 

[Hillviewred]

My mate said that our friends and other people felt uncomfortable with me violating their personal space.It made me feel bad and completely ruined our bath together

 

[SeafrontSupporter]

How do you spot a blind man on a busy nudist beach?


It's not hard.

 

[retro red]

 

[Hillviewred]

It is International Women's Day today,it should of been yesterday but the women weren't ready

 

[Hillviewred]

My dad always told me two heads are better than one,he was great at giving advice but was shite at minting coins

 

[Hillviewred]

When I was younger and got my exam results,I said to my dad,"I can't believe I failed biology dad".He replied " never mind,and by the way,I'm your mum.

 

[Hillviewred]

Alexa,why am I terrible at relationships?Siri,my name is Siri.

 

[New Old Cherry]

Alex Ferguson taking a walk in the park..back in Aberdeen..he spots Ryan the Fraser sat on a bench sobbing..

"Wae on earth is the matter wee laddie ?"

" No one wants tae play me ..cos I'm crap!

Hey ...dung be like that laddie...all players play crap at some time in their careers."

" But..oh but Great Gaffer....aem really really crap.."

" Nay worry laddie...crap is only crap ..its no as bad as shite..an ah know all about shite"

" well f√ck off ye ol' b@stard....ye are starting te p*ss me off now"

 

[Red_Dez]

Just asked Siri “Surely it’s not going to rain today?”
She said “It will and don’t call me Shirley”

Forgot to take my phone off airplane mode.

 

[stanthevan]

Here's a question for all you mind readers.

 

[fred1407]

BREAKING NEWS...!!!!

A cheese factory has exploded in France

Da Brie is everywhere

 

[Mossy1]

How do you confuse an idiot?












Purple!!!

 

[tucktoncherry]

 

[OLDSKOOL]

I woke up last night to see Gloria Gaynor’s ghost at the foot of my bed ...
First I was afraid then I was petrified.

 

[Lord Snooty]

Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a pound in it.

It's half empty.

 

[Toronto John]

Doctor said to Bob the patient:
"Bob, you have to stop masturbating."

"Geez, why is that doc?", Bob replied.

"Because I am having a very difficult time examining you".

 

[SeafrontSupporter]

I asked to use the toilet during my first evening class on "Good Manners Cost Nothing".

Teacher growled - "join the back of the line at the end of the hall, and don't piss on the floor!"

I thought to myself...mind your Ps and Qs.