Here we go the thread you’ve all been waiting for, you just didn’t realise it and probably still won’t after reading (yes, that pun was very much intended.)
Travers- 1 this may seem harsh and playing for any other team he would have scored a comfortable six. However, he has to realise that our entire game plan revolves around him making world class saves that no keeper in their right mind should be able to save. Tom Ince’s shot was unsavable and Travers let the team down badly by not saving it. He gets a 1 and not a zero purely because he has performed ‘okay’ at times this season.
Stacy- 8 felt like I was watching prime Cafu at times, a constant outlet down the right. I lost count of the number of times he overlapped Christie (the fact that I only ever learnt to count to 2 is not relevant.) Best moment was in the first half when he decided to shoot from an impossible angle instead of cut the ball back. Didn’t get forward in the second half but there was no logical reason to do so as we were winning.
Zemura- 8 felt like I was watching prime Roberto Carlos at times. My only slight criticism is that he got forward far too often in the opening ten minutes, also committed the cardinal sin of attempting to dribble with the ball. Fortunately he was relatively solid for the rest of the game after this.
Kelly- 9 our brave leader, the man mountain, the ping machine, loveable Lloyd. What more can I say about this guy? Well a lot actually. Near perfect performance of impeccable distribution and tough tackling. Huge part of the way we play, considering that 55 minutes in total of the match were actually spent with the ball at his feet while he decided what to do with it (official stats.) Clearly a top flight centre back in the making and won’t be here next season.
Phillips- 3 needs to take a leaf out of Kelly’s book, clearly not used to the way we do things around here. Distributed the ball far too quickly and perhaps even more worryingly it was often to a Bournemouth player. Also, what is all of this tackling and interception lark all about? Who the f**k does this guy think he is? You don’t just waltz in here and start pulling s**t like that. Big headed buffoon thinks he can do what wants just because he’s played in the champions league, I’d send him back to Liverpool tbh. See if we can use his squad space by getting back the Mancunian Pele (Morgan Rogers.)
Cook- 6 can’t even muster any humour here. Didn’t to anything wrong particularly, didn’t really do much right either. Just didn’t really do anything. He was kind of just there. He was to us what Switzerland was to WW2.
Cantwell- 9 he has nice hair. Not particularly good at football, but he has very nice hair. Does anybody know what shampoo he uses? I’d guess L’Oréal but it would be nice to know for sure. There was one time in the first half when he flicked his hair back and forth and it was quite majestic. Should probably reiterate though, not particularly good at football.
Lerma- 0 totally unacceptable performance. Breaking forward, attempting to be creative, playing a risky pass when there was a chance to go backwards. No no no. No sir, not here you don’t. Not at this club. Fortunately he will probably be suspended again soon so we won’t have to worry about these kind of antics anymore.
Solanke- 2 felt a bit sorry for Dom. He had Covid last week but nobody told Scotty that he doesn’t need to isolate anymore. In all seriousness, if you can score 22 goals playing in this team then you deserve to win the f*****g ballon d’or.
Jammy Lowe- 8 top lad Jamal.
Super Scotty Parker- 11
Truly the man that keeps defying the odds:
They said it wasn’t possible to play a midfield three and at the same time never have any meaningful possession. Scotty proved them wrong.
They said it was physically impossible to play a front three yet have our nearest player 50 yards away from our sole striker. Scotty proved them wrong.
They said it wasn’t possible to make me wish that Paul Ince was our manager. Scotty proved them wrong yet again.
Is there anything this man can’t do?
Travers- 1 this may seem harsh and playing for any other team he would have scored a comfortable six. However, he has to realise that our entire game plan revolves around him making world class saves that no keeper in their right mind should be able to save. Tom Ince’s shot was unsavable and Travers let the team down badly by not saving it. He gets a 1 and not a zero purely because he has performed ‘okay’ at times this season.
Stacy- 8 felt like I was watching prime Cafu at times, a constant outlet down the right. I lost count of the number of times he overlapped Christie (the fact that I only ever learnt to count to 2 is not relevant.) Best moment was in the first half when he decided to shoot from an impossible angle instead of cut the ball back. Didn’t get forward in the second half but there was no logical reason to do so as we were winning.
Zemura- 8 felt like I was watching prime Roberto Carlos at times. My only slight criticism is that he got forward far too often in the opening ten minutes, also committed the cardinal sin of attempting to dribble with the ball. Fortunately he was relatively solid for the rest of the game after this.
Kelly- 9 our brave leader, the man mountain, the ping machine, loveable Lloyd. What more can I say about this guy? Well a lot actually. Near perfect performance of impeccable distribution and tough tackling. Huge part of the way we play, considering that 55 minutes in total of the match were actually spent with the ball at his feet while he decided what to do with it (official stats.) Clearly a top flight centre back in the making and won’t be here next season.
Phillips- 3 needs to take a leaf out of Kelly’s book, clearly not used to the way we do things around here. Distributed the ball far too quickly and perhaps even more worryingly it was often to a Bournemouth player. Also, what is all of this tackling and interception lark all about? Who the f**k does this guy think he is? You don’t just waltz in here and start pulling s**t like that. Big headed buffoon thinks he can do what wants just because he’s played in the champions league, I’d send him back to Liverpool tbh. See if we can use his squad space by getting back the Mancunian Pele (Morgan Rogers.)
Cook- 6 can’t even muster any humour here. Didn’t to anything wrong particularly, didn’t really do much right either. Just didn’t really do anything. He was kind of just there. He was to us what Switzerland was to WW2.
Cantwell- 9 he has nice hair. Not particularly good at football, but he has very nice hair. Does anybody know what shampoo he uses? I’d guess L’Oréal but it would be nice to know for sure. There was one time in the first half when he flicked his hair back and forth and it was quite majestic. Should probably reiterate though, not particularly good at football.
Lerma- 0 totally unacceptable performance. Breaking forward, attempting to be creative, playing a risky pass when there was a chance to go backwards. No no no. No sir, not here you don’t. Not at this club. Fortunately he will probably be suspended again soon so we won’t have to worry about these kind of antics anymore.
Solanke- 2 felt a bit sorry for Dom. He had Covid last week but nobody told Scotty that he doesn’t need to isolate anymore. In all seriousness, if you can score 22 goals playing in this team then you deserve to win the f*****g ballon d’or.
Jammy Lowe- 8 top lad Jamal.
Super Scotty Parker- 11
Truly the man that keeps defying the odds:
They said it wasn’t possible to play a midfield three and at the same time never have any meaningful possession. Scotty proved them wrong.
They said it was physically impossible to play a front three yet have our nearest player 50 yards away from our sole striker. Scotty proved them wrong.
They said it wasn’t possible to make me wish that Paul Ince was our manager. Scotty proved them wrong yet again.
Is there anything this man can’t do?
