The midweek gag.

AlGard

AlGard

UTC Legend
An Englishman goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his stolen Harley.
But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Spider said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.
I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Spider’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Spider can get better. He deserves it.
Don’t worry about money. Spider has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Ronn Hump and Schlomo Tailchaserl make in their basement. Apparently, I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.
Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Dad, I found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry, we left you a few quid.
Your loving daughter, Angelina.
P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down. It’s not true. I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than Liverpool losing to Man United in the FA Cup...
 
Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
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